2020

It casts a shadow

Hello,

I cannot recall such a pivotal annual year in my adult life otherwise. Though that is probably a good thing, for those who would be keeping score would say I am doing just fine.

Nevertheless all of this has been a rollercoaster seating world events, personal battles and successes only while being dripped out of a loose faucet.

I am very sympathetic to those negatively impacted by the pandemic, financially, personally or otherwise.

Though, as a whole my year was a net positive, I still find myself contemplative and reluctant to draw conclusions on how I should feel looking back.

First things first, I should clear the air and state that career wise, it was my most successful year, showing what I can do in the field is exactly why the Business had hired me. I am extremely thankful for my supervisors and coworkers support, and also still managing to work in a climate where many find themselves unemployed or reduced.

That’s a hard thing to digest, being put in a situation that you cannot control and impacts your lively hood, all because of an origin from which you had no say in.

I spent the majority of my time working in the northern communities of Manitoba. This in part has made it feel very surreal and compartmentalized with relation to the pandemic.

With most of the summer being a front line coordinator for the Business, seeing that the project was accomplished. There was a lot of anxiety (rightfully so) that this year would see the work finished.

It was, and much to my relief that I could back up my confidence with measured results. Ultimately I only have the thanks of hard working strangers brought together by the difficulty of a project. The comradery that our work brings, it doesn’t need to be defined or encased, it simple is and continues to be so. Something I’ve only ever found through work.

Early February, I bought a small home in St. James. A bizarre turn of events, being so close to my early childhood home. I honestly rushed into it, keen to buy to have my independence and a shared space for my relationship. But it wasn’t all that it seems, but still, a net positive and nothing aspirin, or a really generous Dad can’t fix.

My father has put a lot of sweat and dedication in helping out with my home, and while I really would not want to spend too much time thanking somebody, this deserves as much credit as possible. I am eternally grateful for having such great parents. It’s truly an inspiration to me to treat others as good and pass it down if and when my time comes.

The big lesson learned this year was unfortunately on a personal level. I was over confident and complacent, due to my success and accomplishments that year. Though I rolled into the year with an amazing relationship, great work prospects and leadership, what mattered most to me, decided it was no longer in their shared vision.

The leaves began to change, the sun no longer out as often as it once was. The relationship was no longer there, gone in a flash. For a brief moment I could not process what had happened due to still being consumed with work. Therefore I swept off again to accomplish and drive to the finish line, not playing with the rear view mirror so that I could see what was so lovely in my peripheral again.

I found myself with surplus of time and alone as a month went by. To be alone, is to open yourself to poison. That is when I decided to play with the sands of memories and each time, more grains would sift and spill from my hands.

I think there is shared blame, and yet nobody to blame. It really was another casualty of timing and communication, something so broad and perplexing that no real root cause can be ascertained. At least, that is what I need to tell myself, for I only know what I know.

I reached out, hands full of sand. It felt rekindled, but was taken away from me again, leaving me wounded and unable to understand. I had never felt so really numb and depressed leading up to the end of the year. The thoughts that come and go blow past you like headlights at night, each time pushing bitter winter air into your face and lungs.

Loss, it’s a scenario that all of us go through. Yet some how I thought I was immune. I applied formulae to an equation that had no beginning or end. It will always be hard for me to swallow that Love came and went for me, and I was unable to hold on to it. It hurts knowing that this was a possibility for us all. If I could make any wish for this planet, it would be to change that.

I watched it spin like that, spin out and into the sky. I will miss it entirely, and hope for it to come back some day. Whether realistic or not, I accept that risk for bittersweetly, the last words exchanged were talk soon. For now it is just melancholy and me, still playing with the sand in my hands.

I dare to dream.

From the ashes of failures and pandemic, I have rekindled friendships big and small, and spent time with family and friends, of which I am eternally grateful for. It is nice to know that even for as many bridges you may think are burned down, there still seems a path across. Ironic, considering what am going through otherwise. As I stated on my social media, as grandiose as I could possible get in a public arena: I hope that the next year I am able to rebuild and create new meaningful relationships while continuing to improve myself.

What I carry with me forward is:

• Weight loss

• Expression

• Keep writing

• Driving harder at work

• Travel plans (big or small)

• Making a dumb website, hey that’s this!

• Be more patient

• Be more accepting

• Reduce my anxieties and drive towards inner peace

For even though life can cast shadows, they, and everything good, still come from light.

It’s up to us to balance.

I dare to live.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Zach